There’s this guy in church I happened to sit next to during a workers’ meeting. We’ve known each other in passing for a while now, after all we were in the same department, only he’s the new kid on the block. But don’t get deceived by “kid” like I was deceived by his looks.
I couldn’t believe when he said he was a month away from being 30yrs when I asked him if he was done with the university. I tried to play it off by saying I didn’t think he was in school, I only wanted to get the assumption out of the way, but he didn’t buy it though – he was flattered, at the same time perplexed I’d think he was younger. He said, “People usually just ask where I work. Not only did you think I was unemployed, you didn’t think I looked like someone that could own a company, and I may just do!” Shior
The workers‘ meeting was slated for an hour, so we had ample time to chat. We hadn’t chatted before asides the occasional automatic pleasantry between ‘brethren’. “How was your week?” “How did you see the message today? Fantastic ei?” And most times you’d need to chip in “You look good!” because we usually always look good and for some reason, exchanging pleasantries isn’t complete without stating the obvious.
So this Sunday I was feeling unusually chatty, and there was a reason for that. My department had this dress code for today – traditional attire. It wasn’t something entirely strange. We put on traditional attires on the 3rd sunday of every month, and there was no reason for an exemption today. But for the first time, it came with a color code for the males- for whatever choice of native fabric, it has to be a white color! Whether atiku, brocade, whatever native, make your style on a white fabric. Just for the males only. I found that hilarious!
Now if you know me personally you’d know I’m a white “gadget” person but not a white “attire” person. You’ll find me with a white phone and white earphones alwaysss. My tab is white too, and occasionally, I paint my finger nails white. But that’s where it ends for me being a white partisan. Say that you saw me on a white attire – blouse, dress or skirt? – stop lying! There’s no huge story there, white makes me feel classy and elegant, but when it comes to clothes, it’s just hard work and stress episodes and I’m not about those biko. I’d freak over a speck of stain, you’d think I’d decide to pull off the top or skirt right there in the hall.
Get an accidental pen scribble on the dress and you might be stared to oblivion. Don’t make those kind of mistakes around me. I know it would be termed an accident on your part but you gotta be accident free when you gotta be behind me or you might have it bad *in black american accent*. Ironically, I’m not even close to obsessed with neatness. Luckily I realized early in my university years that the solution to not being seen as petty and paranoid was simply to keep white from my wardrobe options so I don’t lose friendships. That’s why my brother still amazes me till tomorrow. Rows of starched whites – short/long sleeves sleeves, buba, ankara, pant trousers….
I remember when I got gifted with white pyjamas by boo of that time, i wasn’t sure how to react. It was a fancy pyjamas I could tell, you know, but I wasn’t sure if I should show the minimum required gesture to let him know I was glad for the present, or feign displeased at the unwelcomed present because I wasn’t sure of the message he was trying to pass across. But I thought maybe he hadn’t observed I was not a white person. Maybe he only noticed it was omitted from my wardrobe and maybe he didn’t think it was something. Too many maybes and thoughts involved in that gift I ended up giving it to mumsi. End of story there.
So now this Sunday these men were on whites with an awful lot of embroidery pattern variations, I couldn’t stop being amused. I had to explain to this nigga –
“If the white color was for the females, I’ll probably request to be standing all through today”
“How else will I make sure the seat is clean enough to sit without leaving faint patches of dirt all over?”
“Then place a handkerchief over the seat before”
“Would work but not enough. I won’t be relaxed on the seat. Wouldn’t want to rest my back on the chair. You know…”
“What happens when y….”
“Sorry. Chill. I have to say this. I can just picture someone trying to get my attention by holding me on the shoulder….”
“…all I will be looking at, the entire day, will be that shoulder spot s/he held on to, if it left a stain”
“I can imagine if someone taps you from behind…”
“Imagine if someone taps me from behind! Ahhhh
“…I wouldn’t be able to touch my face the whole day so I don’t stain my hand with makeup and accidentally touch myself. It always happens!”
I can go on but I’m in hysterics typing this. I know it sounds like I’m being dramatic, but this is how it really is, I swear