I could be your sister

SONY DSCDear Anyone,

Please pray for me, I could be your sister. Life and adulting is hard. I’m having the daily minutely moment where my pride leaves me briefly so I’ll make this quick before it comes and repossess my heart and make me feel idiotic for wanting to open up to just anyone. Once upon a time I had a big ego. What’s left is just infant-sized when compared, still enough to hold me back on things no kidding, but not enough to cater for my esteem sufficiently as I’m still not where I’d have liked to be in my twenties. I pictured it a lot differently during my teen years, least expected is this sort of midtwentylife crisis I keep momentarily having.

Yesterday got me bitter. I’ve never felt like I wasted time, money and energy in a space of 10hrs before. See, yesterday just got me weighing all the decisions I’ve ever made in my older teen and little post teen years on a mental weighing scale. Then I got home and wrote down on 2 columns, the decisions that counted for something and the ones that didn’t, those I could remember. The point I was trying to make for myself was at least, inspite of my being young-ish (which counts for little in the grand scheme of things) I’ve made good life decisions at some point and if i were to die sometime soon, cumulatively, it would not be recorded that I wasted time per se. That’s my greatest fear, being accountable for hours spent being (un)productive.

Yesterday, miles away from my home, I was under this tree waiting. Sounds like something that’d be writen in a fiction novel. Infact half the rest of this story sounds totally fiction. I was seated on a cutoff branch. How I was horrifically focused, if it were an apple tree, you’d have thought if an apple dropped on my head, I’d get a ground breaking idea about non-gravity and become a famous Albertina Einstein. But I don’t think that was a fruit tree. And I was waiting for nothing apparently because the someone(not a man, a vehicle. Long story) who was supposed to show up didn’t. Instead a priest did.

He parked his SUV right in front of me, crossed over to the branch I was on, brought out a handkerchief, spread it and sat. It was like a scene cut from that 90s series Touched By An Angel. He looked at me, smiled and said how the weather was hot. I didn’t really look too closely at him, because focused, and I just learnt not long ago that time, about my wasted day. I just side-eyed him politely, fake smiled and nodded. Then he went strange on me next. He started taking off his shoes, then his socks. I guessed he was a priest because he had on his dark buttoned shirt, the clerical collar. He looked at me, bare footed while wriggling his toes happily and I just couldn’t help laughing. He laughed with me too and started conversing. I asked him if he was a minister, he said, yes, a ‘Reverend’ (He looked 31). Then a lot of other small talks and then he left. He was waiting for his friend who showed up and released him from my boring encounter.

After he left, my soul got back to feeling drained. I knew when I started crying and I knew I had to stop. Stopping wasn’t easy but starting was. All I did was think how much I wasted to get there and how much I’d waste to get back home. I started thinking how I wouldn’t have had the time to waste if I had a job. Interviews and the middle of the year and friends getting jobs and more interviews. I started thinking how the country was taking a wrong turn that could affect me, my impending post graduate imaginary study. I started thinking how my dad retiring would affect the family. I started thinking how the talks on marriage get me cringing. Other sad thoughts began to follow suit. Then I started thinking how the tree though inconspicuous, someone like the priest could come by again and see me crying. Then I willed myself to stop and leave the tree.

The bus I took home, at some point the driver was no longer behind the wheels. He parked the bus and stayed crouched by the side of the road wailing. He cried so much, i think some of the passengers that weren’t on the verge of tears, had to console him. A Lagos driver being that dramatic meant something really happened. So he gradually got to explaining. No one died. There was no accident or traffic. It was just adulting that caused it. He was having a similar crisis I was having too and we happened to pass paths on same day. So I’ll pray for him while I pray for me just as you’ll pray for me (Oh Thank you) while you pray for yourself.

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38 thoughts on “I could be your sister

  1. I always wondered whether Nigerians for whom the hardy life is all they know get used to it and see a tough life as normal. That bus driver gave me a glipse of what it really could feel like for them. Heartbreaking to think of how much pain they endure. Nigerians are not known to express sadness, it’s Europeans who cry on tv; it looks like we feel the same pains to. Keep going on. Everyone feels deflated from time to time

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think it’s only children that don’t know the difference between a tough life and an easy one, because whatever life they have growing up, is the only life they know. Until they get to the age where they become aware and conscious of the
      lives of other people around them as different from theirs. It’s really sad that an average Nigerian lives daily with suppressed emotions.
      Thanks for your care. Sometimes all that’s needed to be uplifted mentally is just a little sincere checkup and assurance, just like you just did. Bless your heart.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh wow just read this.
    Hugs babe
    Adulting has this phase, yes…but truth is This too shall pass!!
    When i go through such moments, i just say that-this too shall pass- because really it will. That hope and faith keeps us going.
    I’m sure i would have teared up if i saw that driver, such a scene would really be touching.
    Cheers!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey dear,
    I don’t have any special words of comfort to say. But I’ll be praying for you. And take heart, all will be well.
    When you feel stable, try telling yourself, “Oluchi will get through this brilliantly. Oluchi is a happy, courageous survivor. You’ll be good.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Bubba. Wooow. I will pray for you, but also, I need you to savor this moment. I was just writing about something like this. There comes that moment in our lives where we seem to be in a bottomless pit, but I know for a fact that we eventually make it out.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. My dear, take it one day at a time, it will pass and things will fall nicely into place. Each stage in life comes with its worries, especially when we think we’ve fallen short of societal expectations.

    Lol @ “famous Albertina Einstein” Your sense of humour is still intact, which is great. 🙂

    I’ve seen a number of adulting posts recently, I understand the emotional battles that come when quarter-life approaches, as one assesses Where they are vs. Where they think they ought to be to be. Honestly, I think the internal turmoil is rather positive, because I’ve learned that sometimes complacence is sometimes mistaken for contentment.

    I wish you the very best with the job search, you are in my prayers. Have a lovely weekend.

    PS:
    I cannot get the mental image of the weeping danfo driver out my mind, those guys are ruggedly rugged, he must have been really shook up. Ah! life is a hot pot of peppersoup.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “… it will pass and things will fall in place nicely… ” and I’m just going to grab that and hold on to! Thankssssssssssssssss
      Oh.. that driver sure gave me a scare. Lol life is a hot pot of peppersoup!!!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Infact I’m speechless this very moment. I understand and feel what you are going through, the haunting thoughts of what should have been, what could have been and the not too sure future.
    One thing I have learnt in my little journey is that unpleasant circumstances don’t last forever, stay strong.

    Seriously I will pray for you. But all the same God loves you, be rest assured in that hope, He is working it out!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You know, there was this stuff I was writing, about how God has a funny way of showing his love for me/us, because it seems funny the thing He let us go through. I instantly felt silly thinking that, and even reprimanded myself. I mean, what He did/does to show His love, is wayyy greater than how we interpret it and He’s just amazing really. I have nothing but patience, however long, because at the end of the day, its his glory however He makes me turn out, and he would not put me to shame because of the trust I have in Him.
      Thanks dear!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I just turned 19 yesterday… So I would not say that I can relate totally with what you wrote.. But I actually can relate with some part of it..I feel I grew up too fast. Sometimes what a 21 year old is going through.. I’m positive that I can relate to whatever situation. The tears I’ve shed is enough to build up a river 😂 . But we all have those days…some days we have to cry and let it out but darling, some days we have to stop anyways, to push ourselves up and say “I’ve got to move on” . I’ll definitely be praying for you… I hope you do the same for me 😉

    Liked by 3 people

      1. “Why can’t we all just have good days only and live till we’re 80 and die”. why cant we? many people will frown at that age of 80 to dies but truth is…….what are you still doing thereafter

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Ese, your comment totally resonated with me and my thoughts. 19 but with responsibilities of someone 23. I totally relate. And then Nigeria just has to make life harder on people. Sometimes, inwardly, I just rebel against the system. It’s ways can somehow be responsible for some of our tears. But then, as a Nigerian with Nigerian blood running through us, we’ve got no option but to keep keeping on and keep hoping that the best is yet to come.

      Liked by 2 people

  8. Adulthood is hard!
    I too have walked that road and I’ll tell you this, you’re stronger than you think, this too will pass and most importantly, you’ll emerge as a much better version of yourself.
    The bus driver’s story made me burst into laughter but when I sobered up, I realized that he was human and had a right to feel sad even if he’s a hardened Lagos bus driver.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My dear… thank you o. I’m just waiting for this cup to pass, I know it will and these will all turn to tales. Like “remember that time I said…. ” kind of tales. loool
      mbanu, that bus driver left me shocked. It was until I was telling my dad and he started laughing, I started laughing, my sis too… it’s life. It will also be history for him and it will turn also to tales he will share to people. I hope he believes God can turn around his situation.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. This post resonate in my heart because most of my mundane thoughts most times are reflected here and the thought of going back in time to fix the fixable or fast forwarding the future to meet parental and societal expectations sometimes make me hate the very act of existence till lately coming to realised that am just a protagonist acting out a role that has been spelt out for me by the script writer (my creator) and just like many protagonist, the predestined time between now and when I will live the life I have always fantasized about is time for it will surely come into manifestation. This realisation shifted my attention from the mundane expectations of me and as much as it pricked me at times, am learning to care less about what mortal being think of me. What is worst than being told by the very person that should be encouraging you that “at your age, no job, nothing to live for, yet you can’t even pregnant a woman out of wedluck and give me grandchild and you are my only son” an attempt to remind the old man that am just 28 was time wasting as the next rely was more nauseating, “and you are not ashamed, at 28 I have already given birth to yourself and two of your elder sister, yet no girl have come knocking on your door”. Now let me not make another post out of your post but truth is, the society has a way of bringing out the best as well as the worst in us as does we to ourselves but as we pray our way out of it, we should as well learn to do away with those emotional poisons that cripple our daily existence…..I will always pray for you even though I can’t remember when last I did that for myself………it was nice reading this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Freeman. So true all you said. Sometimes perseverance fails because we’re just humans. Even if life is not easy living, other people make it the more tougher to be comfortable in, and you’ll just spend all the free time worrying over something. Thank God for grace and the power of the holy spirit that we know will always be there to comfort and guide and keep us. Only if we can have patience and not quit before our miracle. I will also remember to pray for you too. And so the circle of prayer will grow!

      Liked by 2 people

  10. The part of the driver crying is unbelievable but you’ve warned us from the whole beginning lol

    Now I’m scared of getting older, getting a job, finding the right person and getting to live a happy future. Nice writeup.. I wish you all the happiness the world can ever contain

    Liked by 2 people

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