Attraction of Cheats

I was writing this as a comment piece on some web post here but it started to get too long and I didn’t want to be one of those kind of commenters, so I left only a paragraph there and chose instead to rant on here.

In my opinion, there’s this mistake few people get into while in relationships -easily letting their attraction capacity span roam freely. You’re with your significant and you know s/he is not perfect, as with every individual. Needless to say, for anyone you think you like for some reason, there’s usually a better version of that reason in some other person out in the world. This is very true, no need to call me out on this. Instead call out that version as version 2.0 and that version shouldn’t concern you when you already have a marked “boo boo”. If you think your boyfriend is ‘integrated’, you’d be surprised there’s a more integrated guy out there (whichever way your cup of ‘integrated’ tea tastes like). If you think your girlfriend’s smile is great, there’s a girl with a crazy awesome smile somewhere else. But more importantly, maybe you especially love 3 qualities in your spouse, those same 3 qualities in better variations are in someone else with a number of other qualities you may or may not like.

Being in a relationship, you’ve subtlely accepted each other’s dominant version/the qualities in your spouse -the desirables and the undesirables. Let’s say they fit in like 70/30 (different agreeable attributes making up 70% desirable, 30% total attributes s/he could be better off without. Your love for the 70 makes you blind to the 30, or makes up for the 30 lacking, or makes you able to live with the 30 or compromise… whichever canoe you choose to paddle). But for this 30%undesirable, say about 2 qualities you don’t like in your spouse… you see someone else with the opposite of those qualities and you let yourself get attracted, and you try to pursue the attraction. Or you feel a pause in any of the 70% you like in your spouse… and you start to search into someone else for those qualities (whether consciously or unconsciously).
I think that’s just one of the many processes that lead to how guys cheat 😐

I tricked some of my male friends into expanding on the reasons they cheated at some point while in relationships and it boiled down simply to attraction. It’s funny how so different the cookie crumbles for different people.
For Guy A, 70/30 – one of the 30% undesirables in his lady (her failing attribute in his eyes) is his most turn on point; he loves outspoken ladies. But his girlfriend is a shy one. His love for her happened with time after he found her agreeable. Now he sees this other lady with a fiery personality and he’s drawn. He never intended to cheat, but her spark reminded him of the old days and he wanted to play catch up.
Guy B, 70/30. His is one of the cases of overreaching and discontentment. One of the 70%(what got him hooked to his boo-boo) he found in greater quantities in some other lady and it took him off balance. He loves ambitious women. He felt, if his lady met this lady, she’d be challenged. He never intended to cheat, he wanted to know more of her drive so he could inspire his lady to aim more.
Guy C, 70/30. This one was just a reverse which he learnt a lot from. He got to realize, with a different personality, your 30 could be your 70, and your 70 could be 30. What this means, he got attracted to the exact attributes he disliked and gradually loathed the ones he previously adored. The ‘wrongs’ felt so right on a different character blend.

I feel no relationship can be expertly defined, just because no person is totally similar to another and you cannot know the entirety of a singular being. You would never really know how quick s/he could subscribe to a particular kind of change. Everyone has history. Any part of this history could be a vice, for a good change or a bad one. Some events could bring some people to take the absolute reverse path, and transition seamlessly from good guys into assholes. But mostly, we normally just gradually get less interested, less loving and caring, and you’ll see the signs and either choose to ignore as cheating warning, or other matters.

Still, relationships are not scary. Both partners might be confronted with various version 2.0s on daily basis and it would be a matter of maturity and extent of understanding of your spouse to carefully neutralize the attraction for these other versions. I feel its ok to exercise the trust in relationships and let your spouse get a breathing space every once in a while and not get paranoid overthinking whether they’d find a version 2.0 of yourself, or the missing 30 from the 70. Just trust that s/he loves you enough and you guys are at a good place in your relationship and s/he wouldn’t go scouting for what isn’t missing.

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15 thoughts on “Attraction of Cheats

  1. Hi Oluchee,

    Excellent post, I enjoyed how your thoughts progressed as you delivered your point.

    I agree with you, there’s always a better version out there, it all comes down to one deciding to define their personal sphere of enoughness. Oddly, some feel entitled to keep pushing their finish line of contentment further and further at the expense of another person’s emotions.

    Infidelity is one of those things that I keep scratching my head over, there’s this peculiar breed who will still get discontented with the perfect 100/0. 😀

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You’re so right. Some people just don’t know what they want, even when that which is perfect falls on their laps they wouldnt even know it. Its a sad thing to live in confusion, just as troubling as it is to be indecisive.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve never been in any relationship but have seen a lot of those and have watched them in movies and read in books and have come to realises that a major reason why both parties cheat is because they both lack deep understanding of the law of differences. Men are just busy trying to conquer something else after you are a done deal, women sees it as no more caring and loving because he is no longer calling or texting as does in the time as asking out. Women spend a better part of them watching romance and reading male fashion magazines and expect their husbands or date to act as such…….these things have alienated people from the actual default configuration of human, especially we blacks….if you want to really know your man: watch an adventure movie or read detective books. If you want to really know your woman: read romantic books and fashion magazine or watch romantic movies.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Explosive awesome analysis!

    I think the fundamental reason people cheat is the unfaithfulness.

    Faithfulness is the bedrock of any relationship, people tends to fabricates excuses to justify their actions because they aren’t faithful not because of what others did or their flaws.

    Now what’s faithfulness ?

    Faithfulness through the lens of the scriptures means word keeper. You wonder why God is still on throne? How about his unconditional love and grace? And much other qualities of His. The reason is because He is faithful not because we are. Intact we don’t merit his provisions and grace but because he is faithful, he cant but help us despites our shortcomings and flaws, we are still accepted in the beloved.

    Faithfulness is the bedrock of trust and commitment. Its not so !much about what we say but what we do? Faithfulness is a promise to oneself to do or act irrespective of the other persons character flaws or whatever reasons we can conjure up.
    Faithful people are hard to find because they are the types that will go through anything and find a way through anything because of the promise they made to themselves.

    That’s why someone who is faithful is very deliberate in decision making especially in relationship because he/she knows commitment is what he/she must gives or nothing else.

    Faithful people can’t cheat because there is no reason t. It would be better for such people to go their separate ways than cheat because its a promise they made to themselves irrespective of the actions or flaws of their significant other.

    Faithfulness ought to be first checklist on our dating list qualities because handsomeness, sexiness are not so fit for a smooth sail.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Another reason people cheat is because they get too comfortable in relationships and stop trying. And both parties tend to be guilty of this. You stop doing those things you did when you first started and then gradually just take it for granted that you have each other and always will. And then version 2.0 walks by and you’re awakened from your comfortable slumber and start magnifying those qualities you didn’t like in your partner but accepted.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Awesome analysis!
    Like Chuma said, you make a choice to be with a person with all their quirks and flaws. Longa throat is a poor reason to violate the trust your significant other has for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I agree with you, that there’s always someone who’s better at doing something elsewhere.
    But then (IMO) relationships are a choice you make to be with another person, and even if you see a 2.0 you should remember why you got into one in the first place.

    Liked by 5 people

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