Looking for the atmosphere of worship

I start every year in the church. It’s always been that way. ‘Watch-night service’, that’s what its called. Where you pray all night into the new year and then celebrate your being alive to see the start of another year, and wait to hear what God says about that year. And this year, God said as the minister quoted, ‘It’s the Year of Possibilities’.

They said 2013 is the first year since 1987 to have four different numbers! This ought to mean this year got special. Its been twelve months already.

I lost 2 uncles at the beginning of the year. Got out of a relationship because I was scared of getting too loved. I lost 6months of schooling, I lost money privileges and I almost succumbed to promiscuity. There are also petty things in between I feel ashamed spelling out.

So what did I gain to cover up all of this? They say there’s always a silver lining in a dark cloud yea? You win some you loose some yea? I would love to say I acquired more knowledge on a whole lotta different, some random, some specific things so the 6months wasn’t all too much a waste; or I got newly wedded cousins to make up for the deaths (not like fill in the gap or anything, just to create a bond for another new generation); or I scored on some lottery winning ticket that will drag my butt to NYC for the new year’s holiday and get me on a shopping spree in Dubai for a month and/or more; or somehow I deleted my booty count; or I did a qualifying exam that got me for a scholarship for a masters perhaps, when I become a complete graduate; or I worked at getting a prospect of a job offer, should in case I get done with my service year and I start to search earnestly for a place to work.

I would love to say one or more of those happened, because i actually do want any of them, and I’m not picky on which. However, I prayed for “God’s choice”, but I wouldn’t have minded if He thought what I wanted wasn’t that big a deal to maybe consider granting, say, half of just one of those options. He could, you know, select at random, its cool. He didn’t and none happened, not one, and I’ve just felt nothing less than sad because this year was supposed to be special regardless. And this isn’t about the numerology.

Special, not just to me, but also to a larger populace of the good people, or the ones that try to be good regardless, because believe it or not, some bad things we really don’t deserve and we’d like to be cut some slack sometimes, just to keep our faith alive. And then some days ago, on christmas day, I got a text from a friend, Martin Chisom. It reads,
“At the start of this month, I prayed that I would feel the coming of Christ more profoundly today. I cannot say that I have felt it. YET. But as I woke this morning, I realized that I am not condemned yet, it is not too late. Christ is born everyday in our lives. He is born to us in the little things like the gummy smile of a month-old infant and the soothing effect of a good night’s rest. He is born to us also in great things like the eclipse and treks in space. So if like me, you were hoping for a special epiphany of Christmas today, don’t loose heart yet. You have…WE have the rest of the year.
But as we celebrate the anniversary of this gift to us, from the amorous bottom of my heart, the innermost yearnings of my soul and the liquid depths of my eyes, i wish you a very merry christmas. And a lovely new year ahead”

And then I felt delirious, real cheeky infact. And its been jolly good ever since because I got an inner peace as I started to reflect on the other times the year was pretty amazing that I overlooked. I realized, this is like my most eventful year and even if I probably haven’t changed from all that has happened, I grew. Thus, I can only but be grateful because God’s grace over my life’s been truly awesome.

I started out moody writing this piece because I got 2 sad calls some hours ago, the second call less than 30mins after the first. One friend I invited to come along with me to my hometown on the 24th said he couldn’t because he was expecting his family to come on the 28th. So the call was because he wanted to talk to someone about his family’s accident on 27th. Dad, sister, hospital. I think he said the driver broke his skull. I choked in the middle of the details. The second call, my friend, knowing how I enjoyed my time with him and his cousin that just came for the holidays 2months ago, with his (nuclear)family still in Uk, as he took me into 2 states in one day relieving times with his extended family, and in all, giving me tales and history, I haven’t ever met someone who has been to so many countries and still know so much about each government’s system. Telling me why my Abia state’s governor couldn’t run in a different party. Lol crazy, fun, knowledgeable person. lmao he thought he could drive around with just a ‘Lagos Road Map Guide’ pamphlet. That he died just last week is something I haven’t been able to fathom yet. How? Why?

And why get these two calls in one night close to the end of the year? So right now, its some minutes past 1am, the last day of the year, remembering the trick someone taught me about getting your mind blank, that’s just what I’ll do for the time being, since my head is starting to ache like my brain’s leaking, and some not-so-pleasant reflections are straying into my subconscious carelessly. Since I haven’t been in this town this time of the year before, I will graciously allow only the worry about what church to be in before it clocks 12am today and then pray for my tomorrow, being the start of a new year. My prayer being simply, ‘Dear God, help me to put aside the things that are breaking my heart, to pray about things that break yours’ just because if you are too busy to pray, you are busier than God wants you to be.

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5 thoughts on “Looking for the atmosphere of worship

  1. ‘Dear God, help me to put aside the things that are breaking my heart, to pray about things that break yours’ just because if you are too busy to pray, you are busier than God wants you to be’

    I’m not sure you could have given this post a better ending. I’ve been mulling on the subject of grief and pain for some time and your post is another marker in that chequered mental journey, I usually end up stepping back and hanging my thoughts on God.

    I hope 2014 is turning out to be all you’ve hoped for?

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